This is a private journal left open and unattended
This is a page for writing for myself as a way to organize my art and ideas in privacy. It is left freely discoverable with the hope that thoughts of others finding it will keep me consistent and honest with myself. I think i will unavoidably write with the idea of a viewer in mind at times, I have tried before and never really resisted that temptation. If a person found this page I would not want them to tell me under any circumstances.
I take photographs because I think I need to. My photography is art I ma driven to make by compulsion, if I see something interesting or unplaceable it feels like shit if I can't take a picture. I took photographs about being alone for a long time, I still sort of do becuase I have moments of being alone and I use them to depict what it was like when that was every day. Being alone gave me time to think about things I didn't want to think about, it gave me time to change the way I thoguht and acted in private. i still use my chances to be alone now to think about those things, but I am rarely alone by accident now. I try to make everyone I meet like me, I am good at it and it almost always works. It's really cool to have everyone like you, and to go to the city, to be in the art scene, it's like being a movie star to a small handful of people who are also movie stars but only to another handful of people. Existing in overlapping spaces of being with people known to each other is electrifying. I feel cool and attractive to them, they are cool land attractive to me. I fuck most of my friends. I fall in love with almost everyone I fuck. I make conscious efforts not to fall in love with people it would be inconvenint to love, so I make conscious efforts so that people I don't want to fall in love with will not ask me to fuck them.
I have periods where I maintain a stable level of confidence but even inside that something else falters, I'm not sure what, and for a while I just feel arrogant and a little bad about my feelings that I am more interesting than most other people I know, feelings like I am doing better than a lot of other people who do the things I do. I like meeting people usually, the times that I have a bad time with it are mostly when nobody is funny or nobody likes anything I care about. I feel thrilled by a feeling of social advancement unless I feel perceived as a social climber. I do not think I am a social climber, i dont' think I am that cynical. I feel stupid about it when I think people see me as a social climber, especially when I think i am percieved as an inept one.